The ESPN NFL Draft team analyzes my iPad Pro selection

The camera light goes red. The crowd quiets. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell ambles to the podium.

"With his first pick in the 2021 iPad Pro draft, Matt selects, '1 TB model, Space Grey, with 5G connectivity and 16 GB of RAM.'"

The director cuts to ESPN NFL draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr., who twitches and shifts in his chair. (Except for his hair. Which hasn’t moved since 1994.)

"Wow, guys, I really feel like this iPad Pro choice is a huge reach."

"What was needed here was a simple device to execute basic daily tasks like writing, Tweeting, reading Kindle books, attending Zoom meetings, and watching video."

Kiper is visibly angry. Hands flailing, but verbal cadence steady, Kiper continues:

"Matt fell in love with the measurables of the 1 TB iPad Pro, flashy numbers with RAM and 5G speeds that will have little impact on Matt's ability to execute the day-to-day basics."

"This was an emotional selection, and not based on logical evaluation."

Kiper is spent. He hasn't been this upset since The New York Jets took linebacker Jeff Lageman in the first round in 1989. He needs to gather himself, so he throws it to his colleague, analyst Todd McShay.

"McShay--your thoughts?"

"I agree, Mel. And we have to think about the salary cap here. The 1 TB iPad Pro requires a big financial commitment.

“And it's a bit of a prima donna. It won't perform at its best without its buddies, the Apple Pencil and Magic Keyboard, which just add to the salary cap woes."

With that, host Mike Greenberg needs to get control over the set. The anger radiating from Kiper and McShay is beginning to seep into an increasingly unruly crowd.

"OK, ok, guys. We see it every year. A poor iPad Pro selection made based on emotion, on flash and excitement and measurables, and not rooted what's best for the organization's needs.

Now on the clock: the New York Jets, who are widely expected to draft the Apple Newton"